my imagination

My mind wanders.  A lot.  Sometimes I don’t even realize it until I’m already way down a totally random path and I “wake up” and realize I’ve been daydreaming.  The more bored I am, the more powerless I am to stop it.  In other words, this seems to happen a lot in meetings.  I’ll tell myself “OK, you need to FOCUS” and I try very hard for like a minute, and then the next thing I know, I’m thinking about a gazillion other things.  I have to constantly pull myself back.  I do this in one-on-one conversations, too.  Luckily, I am very good at acting like I am listening, so most people can’t tell.

And it’s really random things too.  Today I was walking back to my desk from the cafeteria (which is in a different building), and started wondering what would happen if I were to suddenly throw my bottle of sparkling apple juice on the concrete.  What would the people around me think?  I really wanted to do it.  In meetings, I’ll stare intently at whoever is talking, and nod along, but in my head I’ll be wondering what the person would do if I just suddenly reached out and pinched his nose.  Or what if I just stood up and started dancing crazily?  What would they do?  Sometimes I imagine it so vividly that I worry I might actually do it one day.

I know I can’t be the only one who does this.  Am I?

 

I need Anita time

I’ve always been a person who needs a lot of alone time. I could spend hours and hours by myself and be fine with it. It’s always been essential that I spend a lot of time with myself. Don’t get me wrong – I am not a wallflower nor do I shy away from social situations. In fact, a lot of people don’t know this about me. Of course, my husband, close friends, and ex-roommates do. It’s just that, say, after a party or something, I need at least a few days of alone time to make up for all that socializing. I don’t really do much in my alone time either. I read, play computer games, eat. I write emails. Surf the web.

For the most part, my husband has learned to accept this about me and allow me to have time to myself at least a little bit every day. Since we had kids, it’s been harder to find time to myself, but I made the boys stick to an early bedtime so I can have a few hours alone before turning in myself.

When I started working from home, people would ask me if I missed having social interaction or if I ever got lonely. I’d answer truthfully: “No”. I would have lunch with either my husband or with a friend on occasion and of course I’d be with my husband all night and that was enough for me. In fact, because I am married and have two little kids, I relished being home alone all day.

Recently, I started a new job that requires me to go into the office every day. It’s been over 3 weeks now and I find that I am DYING for alone time. I have been going to sleep later and later to get it, which isn’t so good. In previous residences, my alone time would be either in the office or in my bedroom. But this place is so tiny that the “office” is in the living room, and our bedroom is unpleasant and claustrophobic. When I worked from home, that was all fine since I got the place to myself for over 8 hours a day, but now that I don’t have that, it’s killing me. I find that I’m becoming crankier each day. That could also be the sleep deprivation as well.

There’s really no point to this post other than to say I need to come up with a way to be alone for a couple hours every day. Maybe by making the bedroom nicer to be in? Or taking a two-hour long bath each night? Or, more drastically, pressuring my husband to agree to move to a new place? I don’t know.

 

my happiness list

Here is my happiness list for this month’s Pink of Perfection project hosted by Sarah. Last year I went through a bit of a depression and decided to write a list of the good things that happened each day to cheer myself up. I only made two (very short) lists and they did sort of work but when I read back on them today, they don’t make any sense. Here is a chance for me to write a list that WILL make sense and for me to look at when I am feeling blue.

These are the things that make me happy:

1. knowing that I lucked out with my husband who is incredibly supportive and is always on my side
2. when my older son comes up behind me and gives me a big tight hug
3. when my younger son crawls to me and uses my knees to pull himself up, completely taking me for granted
4. listening to either of my sons laughing
5. knowing that I have great parents who love me unconditionally and a brother that I can vent to about anything and who can understand me even when I am talking really really fast
6. cuddling with a warm dog on a cold night
7. lying around lazily in the sun reading a really good book like Shadow of the Wind – and falling asleep and then waking up and reading some more
8. having lunch with my husband (while the kids are in daycare) at really nice restaurants
9. picking up my kids at daycare and seeing them smiling and laughing as they run/crawl towards me
10. living practically next door to a REALLY nice and modern library (where I’ve enjoyed many an afternoon)
11. knowing that I have amazing friends, and that I can count on them in difficult times
12. having a great boss, who respects me and values me, and who I can count on to always have my back, as well as being at a job I enjoy with people I respect, AND I get to work from home in my pajamas
13. being healthy and having healthy children
14. not having to worry about food and shelter

OK this list is sort of all over the place. But I am rereading through it and thinking, man, I do have it good. I need to take time out sometimes and really appreciate what I have. How can I possibly ever be unhappy? But I do get moody at times and I will try reading over this list next time I get in a slump and hopefully it’ll zap me out of it.

Update (Aug 6, 2008): Sarah has just published all the completed July project posts.  I’ve read through most of them and they are all such lovely lists.  I didn’t think other people’s happiness lists would make me as happy as mine but I found things I loved in each of them, and they ALL made me smile and feel warm.  And some of them are SO creative!  Definitely a great picker-upper if you need one.

 

my boys are so different

I was thinking this morning about how different my two boys (Sam, 2 years old, and Tom, 9 months) are. Of course I knew they would be, but it’s been interesting to see and compare. Sam was adopted at 7 months old, and I naively thought that when Tom reached 7 months old, that he would become more predictable since I’d already lived through it with Sam. How wrong I was!

Here is what I’ve noticed.

Sam is a total ham. He always has been. He’d clamp his teeth on the spoon as I was feeding him and not let go, with a little smile on his face. He’d put his legs up while I was changing his diaper to make it more difficult for me, but would give me a playful smile that let me know he knew exactly what he was doing. Eventually he’d relent and lay still for me to finish changing him.

He is also rash and impulsive. When he was first pulling himself up and learning to walk, he’d rush headlong into things and had the gashes and bruises to show for it.

Oddly, he’s quite obedient… he listens to “no” and is apparently the only kid at daycare who does. He knows exactly what he is not supposed to do and which rooms are off limits to him. Sometimes if I forget to close a door or baby gate, he teases me by walking slowly towards the prohibited area, looking at me the whole while and smiling a mischievous smile. Then I’d say, “Where are you going?” and he’d laugh and run towards me and give me a hug.

That’s another thing about Sam, he is very cuddly and huggy. No matter what he is doing, every few minutes he will stop and run to me and give me a big hug. He even does this when he is in the bathtub. Of course I can’t refuse him so then he gets water all over me. My favorite is when he comes up behind me (when I am sitting on the floor) and puts his arms around my neck.

It was never really easy to make Sam laugh, but he loves to make me laugh. Every time I laugh at something he does, he smiles at me impishly. His favorite thing is to stand in front of the mirror and dance and do silly arm gestures. If he is having a tantrum, all I have to do is place him in front of the mirror, and within seconds he’s smiling and waving at himself. It’s adorable. He is his biggest fan, though I am definitely his second biggest fan.

Tom is only 9 months now and his full personality hasn’t emerged yet but there are some definite differences. For one, Tom laughs very easily. Sometimes all you have to do is look at him and he laughs. He is watchful and picks things up quickly. He copies a lot of things that Alejandro, Sam, or I do. Sam was never really a copier, he did his own things. As a result, though, Tom learns faster. At 9 months he is already pulling himself up and we think he’s going to be walking before he is 1 year old. (In contrast, Sam didn’t even crawl till he was almost 10 months old and didn’t walk till he was 15 months old.)

We have also noticed how extremely careful Tom is when he pulls himself up and sets himself back down. He does it very slowly and cautiously, and thus has not yet (knock on wood) gotten any gashes or bruises, and rarely ever bumps his head.

Tom is not going to be a cuddle bear either. He doesn’t really like to be held. He is always pushing me away to set him down on the floor. Don’t get me wrong, he still wants me to pay attention to him, just not while holding him. He is very fidgety and always wants to be doing something. He gets bored VERY easily. Diaper changes with him are next to impossible because he struggles so hard to get away.

Although Tom laughs easily, he isn’t really playful, at least not in a prankish way like Sam. He has a clear, sunny, cheerful smile and disposition. He’s so easy to read and never cries unless there is a real problem. He hasn’t yet hit toddler age yet, so of course this could all change.

The one similarity I have noticed so far is that they both love music. If I start singing, they will stop whatever they are doing to listen. They’ll even stop crying to listen.

We’re lucky in that both boys are pretty easygoing. Everyone asks, “Don’t you want a girl?” And sometimes I think I do, but other times I think that I don’t want to push my luck!

 

oldies but … goodies?

As a teenager, I remember looking at my parents and wondering at what age would I stop caring about being current on the latest music. At the time, I couldn’t imagine ever being like my parents who were stuck in the 60s, music-wise. I knew I would always be cool and up to date.

Fast forward several years, and man… I now find myself just like them, except I am stuck in the 80s and 90s. I even find myself listening to songs that I hated back then, because at least I can recognize them. This morning I was driving along, not really thinking about anything, and was suddenly horrified to find myself humming along to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” It was on the “love songs” music station, which I find myself listening to more and more since I know most of the songs they play. I can’t open my windows anymore because I don’t want anyone to hear the cheesiness emanating from my radio.

That isn’t to say I am completely out of touch… I do also like some of the current hits. But I can’t explain it… I now prefer the old and familiar rather than trying out the new. However, parents of teenagers have told me that once my boys are teens, I’ll be more current than I want to be about music. So I guess one day, I’ll be cool again.

 

rant: my biggest pet peeve

My all-time biggest pet peeve is having to sit and listen to someone complain about something that they can change.

In other words, don’t come to me and whine about how much you hate your job because I will tell you to find another one and then stop listening to you, unless you have a real, valid reason why you can’t leave your job (such as that your company is sponsoring you for a green card and it is coming really soon). But there is usually nothing stopping someone from going out and applying for and interviewing for another job. Of course, discretion is necessary if you work for the kind of company that would fire you if they knew you were shopping. But most of my friends are in IT and there is NO reason why any of them should come to me and complain about their jobs, because any one of them can go to Dice and start applying. I don’t get how hard this can possibly be. Whenever I wake up and think, “God, I don’t want to go to work today,” then I know it’s time to find another job. I went through 4 jobs in 4 years before I found my current one which I love and plan to stay at for a while.

Something I often hear is that they can’t afford a pay cut or that they don’t think they can find a better position. And of course I’d go, “oh, did you already look?” And of course the answer is almost always “no”. Argh!! I hate that! How the heck would they know if they didn’t even try? It irritates me to no end.

Here’s another one: “I don’t like my daycare provider/nanny.” So? We went through 5 daycares before we found our current one and she is awesome. I don’t get why anyone would stay at one they don’t like. Are they afraid of offending the daycare provider or nanny? So what? These are your kids! Be picky!! I would never have found this fantastic daycare if I had sat in my cave and worried about offending anyone.

And complaints about commitment-phobic significant others. I don’t get this one as much now that most of my friends are married (damn old age!) but it used to be my biggest irritant. Yes, it is you! It’s not him! It’s you and he just does not love you enough to commit to you. He thinks that he can do better and is waiting for someone better to come along. Geez, I know so many people who were with their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends for like 8 or 10 years and then got dumped and their exes got married to someone else (usually quite soon after). This is clear proof that the ex didn’t have commitment issues, it was that they weren’t really in love enough to get married before. I don’t get people who hang on that long. I once had a relationship with a “commitment-phobe” (the quotes mean he really wasn’t one and it was just me he couldn’t commit to) but I only wasted 6 months of my life, not 8 or 10 years. So I understand that state of denial but that doesn’t make it any less annoying when I have to hear someone whine about it.

This last one is related to my biggest pet peeve. It’s when an ADULT human being blames his or her parents for how he/she turned out. Geesh. If you are an adult, I don’t ever want to hear that your parents are to blame for how your life is now. If you know there is something wrong with your life or with you, then YOU are the one to blame for not trying to change it. The last time I blamed my parents for my life was when I was 22. Then I realized that I had the power to change what I don’t like. OK, I get that if your parents were abusive or your childhood was really traumatic somehow, then it’s a lot harder to let go of the past. But that is what mental professionals are for. And if therapy isn’t working, then find another therapist! I know someone who has seen the same therapist for years and she clearly isn’t helping her.

I do understand that people are afraid of change. But not being one of those people, I just don’t get it and can’t stand it when I see clear solutions to a problem and the person affected just will not consider it or is afraid to. Sure this is probably a harsh view but I can’t help how I think and anyways, if it is a good friend of course I’d still listen and try to give advice (in a non-judgmental way). But I sure wish everyone would just think like me.

 

I am turning into my father

In many ways, I am my mother’s daughter, but lately I have noticed myself becoming more and more like my dad. The absent-mindedness, the cluelessness, and general boneheadedness.

The other day, a friend was over, and as we sat around talking, I asked him a question. He was in the middle of answering it when my mind started wandering, and I suddenly remembered something I had to do, so I stood up and left the room. About 5 seconds later I realized what I had done (thankfully my husband was still in the room with our friend and carried on the conversation). This is something my father does ALL THE TIME and we always made fun of him about it. I don’t think anyone really thought anything of it – my husband later said he didn’t even notice. But I was appalled… in about 10 years my sons will be making fun of me about the same things my brother and I made fun of my dad for! With my husband’s encouragement it’ll probably start sooner. Another thing to not look forward to.  Sigh…

 

my brother Bennett

Yay, my brother has finally started a blog. I’d always thought he should since he’s such a good writer. Damn, in two posts he already sounds smarter than me.

I’ve finally gotten through all my English essays and papers. I had saved several per year since 6th grade, and it’s interesting to see how my personality developed over the years. It sure was fun reading all the stuff from my angst-filled, boy-crazy teenage years. Man, I so am not looking forward to my boys being teenagers.

Anyways, I used to have some of Bennett’s writing samples from his English classes, but now I can’t find them. He was very creative and sorta morbid. I guess he hasn’t changed a whole lot.

 

going paperless

So I’ve decided to go paperless. I have been thinking about it for ages but the tediousness of scanning our files on our old scanner had prevented me from starting. But now I have a reason. We have a large filing cabinet where I’ve kept all my files for the last 15 years, and we probably won’t have a space for it in the new place, so I’ve decided that it was time to have a paperless office once and for all.

Last night I came upon a thick folder that held all the papers and essays I’ve ever written for my high school and college English classes. One of them was an explication I’d written on two poems for an English Lit class at UCLA . As I was reading the essay I was amazed at how eloquent I used to be. What happened?? When did I get so…so… awkward at writing? It’s like pulling teeth to get words out. I used to write in my journal practically every day, and now I can’t think of the last time I wrote a journal entry. (I just checked – I have one entry each for 2007 and 2006, and two for 2005.)

My 7th grade English teacher said the best way to improve your writing was to write a lot. I guess since I stopped writing, it’s gotten harder and harder. I used to compose long passages in my head and later write them, but now I realize I haven’t done that in ages. I blame getting married and having children. I had hoped that this blog would help, but whenever I think of something to write, life gets in the way. When you have 2 children under the age of 2 years old, you don’t really get a lot of free time to yourself. Well, in the new place, we’re going to combine the office and playroom into one space, so maybe I’ll sneak some posts while I am “watching the kids”.

 

small spaces

Apartment Therapy is currently hosting its fourth annual “Small Cool Contest” where contestants showcase their small (less than 850 sq ft) homes to show how well they have maximized their small spaces.  Although the place we’re moving to is not as small as that (we’re going from 1900 sq ft to 1250 sq ft), seeing the contest entries (over 100 now) has been really inspiring to me.  It’s comparable, I mean, there are 4 of us in our family, while most of the homes submitted for the contest only have 1 or 2 people living in them.  I recently sold two of our sofas (we had three!) on Craigslist and have many more items posted to sell.  The idea of moving to a small townhome is liberating… we’re going to have a simpler, easier life.